Sunday, November 14, 2010

A sunday afternoon in NC

Sunday, August 22, 2010
It’s a beautiful morning here in NC – the heat is bubbling up, but still feels good to me.  Got here Friday afternoon and walked and played 9 holes of golf with Ron.  Took me a little to get my body back into exerting itself – heart palpitations for the first couple of holes but eventually got the knack of pushing the cart up the gentle hills and settled in.  Not a bad game for no playing most of the summer.  Saturday morning I was stiff and sore – hips, butt, calfs etc… but it felt good.  My armpit was a little swollen though so decided rather than play 9 more today I would just walk it while Ron played.  Probably a good idea as I got pretty tired by the end of it. 
Spent last night talking to Rich and Anya.  It is always hard to watch his face as Ron gives him the latest.  Anya said when he hears it – he cries, goes to bed, and then the next day wakes saying my mom’s a fighter – she’ll beat this….or something like that.  His face and the knowledge that this is hurting him is the hardest thing for me. For so long it was just him and me.  We’ve got other people in our lives now and people we love deeply –but the core is us – we’ve fought through a lot the two of us and have always had each others backs.  I’m sure he feels completely helpless because he can’t fix this or make me better.
Which reminds me…..Ron and I were having a discussion about a website he found which provides information for caregivers.  It talked about giving 100% of yourself and that it would cause burnout resentment etc…  What I found interesting is that it didn’t say anything about the person you are giving the care to.  If you are giving 100% or more….you are taking away the persons ability to fight for themselves.  It would be so easy to be helpless and leave the decisions etc…to someone else.  But it is the effort to make those decisions, to face the tough information and go through the treatment that makes you strong and helps you fight.  Leave a percentage for us to manage please.  I want partners in this battle ….not caregivers.
On another note – we also talked about my mom and how she raised us.  We didn’t have a male figure.  She was our male and female figure unless you counted my grandfather.  Both expected us girls to be tough, stand on our feet, be independent, and take care of others.  Ron told me he has witnessed us often respond to situations as though we were the men in the family – we are the fixers, the caregivers, the decision makers etc….  Tricia even used the language –  “I feel so helpless because I can’t “fix” this”…..a female response might have been – I wish I could make you feel better ….here cry on my shoulder.  (smile) THATS not happening…lol

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