Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Wednesday, 5/11/11

I’m just so tired of being tired.  I’m in my “free” week and usually by now my energy is returning and I’m feeling good and strong again.  But not this week.  If anything it feels like its getting worse.  I find I’m spending my days on the couch and even getting up to feed myself or walk the puppy are taking massive effort.  I don’t know if it has to do with the cumulative amount of taxol and carboplatin in my system or if there is something else going on.  Which raises the question – how do I know if something else is wrong?  Everything I’ve read says that these drugs can have damaging effects on the heart, lungs, and liver.  Is my liver overloaded with toxins?  Is my heart muscle starting to feel the effects?  What about my lungs?  I still have the tight band feeling around my chest – but I can take a deep breath so I think I’m ok.  What symptoms are real and what are the result of my fear?  I know when I walk up a flight of stairs that my heart starts pounding and I’m out of breath, so that is real….but that has happened before and then two days later I can run up the stairs with no ill effect.  It is so confusing and frightening. Most of the time I can stay strong and I’m learning to treat myself gently.  But every once in awhile the fear sneaks in and then I’m not so strong.  Then I become aware of the cancer and what it is taking from me.  If it is short term – I can take it.  But isn’t that the irony – you don’t know if its long term or short term.  You just have to exist in each moment.  For someone who has always lived life with a crystal ball (metaphorical of course), it really strips you of the ability to plan anything.  For example I have scheduled an appointment at the apple store twice this week to learn how to put together a website.  Each day within an hour of the appointment I find myself dizzy, tired and on the couch so I’ve had to cancel.  I’m planning to drive up to VA on Friday as I have two days of work next week.  Do I cancel?  Do I trust that I will have the energy? Crap … how do you live life like this?

I need to be more like Bella (my puppy).  She lives totally in the moment. She also has enough energy for both of us!  I walk her 3x’s a day – sometimes just around the block if it’s a bad energy day - but every time that puppy poops – sometimes twice a walk!  How is it possible that there is that much poop in one little puppy!!!  Ok, my life has digressed to laying on the couch and puppy poop…oy vey.

This has definitely been a pity recliner entry…


Debra said...

i am so sorry Mary Jo, I have a friend going through the same thing. She has kidney and colon cancer and being a nurse hasn't helped. I will give her your link, maybe you can help one another, She is really nice.

freedomceb said...

MJ its "OK" to be in the pity recliner you are only human...isn't there a song with those words. Hey, I really feel for you and better days are coming. Hang in there, girl!