Chemotherapy has a dark side and a light side. On the dark side you just want it to stop. You lose your will, your energy, yourself. On the light side, there is brightness, potential, a waking up from the dark where your brain and your body come back together and get off the couch or the bed. One encourages you to join the land of the living, the other the land of the dead. Its that stark. There is no making it pretty. I’ve never known or experienced anything that can just sap the will right out of you. I’m not saying you give up, because you don’t. But boy you just want to go live in a cave for awhile so no one has to see you this way.
I’ve been in both places…..A lot lately. The last treatment put me in the hospital for 5 days while the doctor and staff tried to get my white blood count to kick back in, and my red count, and my platelets, and my potassium, magnesium, electrolytes….yep you name it all of them were in the danger zone.
I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place here. It’s 1 week after my last treatment and I’m down for the count. Tomorrow’s bloodwork will determine whether I need hospitalization again and I’ve still got two more treatments to go. Obviously I can’t quit now – I’ve endured 10 months of this I can make it six more weeks. But what will that 6 weeks look like, feel like, live like…. And then what?
Its not just me going through this – I’m watching my family go through it and that is worse than anything. I’m the mother, the wife, the sister, the oldest….I’m supposed to be the one that holds it all together and yet I’m at the center pulling it all apart. When they call to check on me I want to lie and say I’m doing great, feeling strong, hanging tough. But I don’t. I’ve been practicing speaking honestly for so long now I don’t know how to do anything but. Even when it hurts. How’s that for a conundrum. In my coaching practice I encourage my clients to live authentically. I support them as they learn to speak their truth, honestly, and gently. I facilitate transparency and self awareness….boy has that come back to bite me….lol.